Sometimes in life I feel like there are two Abi's, one on each shoulder.
Yes, this is a slightly strange post.
One Abi loves life, takes the challenge and is an immature, optimistic, ambitious young woman.
The other Abi, seeks absolute perfection in all areas of life and anything other that the best just simply is failure, not enough, routines need to be stuck to, planning is key and what the world and society deems right and expected is what I must become. Too lazy, too ugly, too clumsy, over-thinker, over-sensitive...the list goes on, but that is what she tells me when I let her come out of her cave.
However I used to think these anxieties, self-destruction issues I had were abnormal, another weakness of mine. Recently I have spoken to people who have expressed similar thoughts and worries, the 'standard' we think we need to meet in motherhood, relationships, sport, academically, visually, emotionally..the list goes on that we hold in our brains.
With the pressures of keeping up with these, getting the grade, the times there is no wonder the world is going a little mad, what happened to just being good enough? telling each other we are good, we are different, unique and the best person ever, at being ourselves and doing what we do. Ambition is brilliant, a fantastic trait in a person, but making an ambition a life-jacket..is sure to end in at some point a wet and soggy death due to a wave swooping in and over-powering it.
Due to the move from one town to another and meeting new people on a daily basis, I have been exposed to varying experiences, opinions and personalities, and its fantastic, its shown me that what I love about children (their honest uniqueness) is also applicable in adults. They are all so different, so why are we all striving for some sort of 'perfection' I know that I have no idea what on earth I define as this, surely the most 'perfect' you are the more you are stuck on a pinnacle of expectation to maintain this?
To the Abi on my shoulder I am going to continue to batter this home to. What will be will be, and I can only try my best. MY best. Not what someone else defines as this.
I am currently reading a book about Rich Roll. After he spent 100 days in a mental health institute to cure his alcohol addiction he realised the root of his problem was fear. Fear of perfection, failure and judgement. Something I see I can really relate to. Then he knocked the nail on the head, the cure. Exactly what I'm building on.
'And that all these confusing feelings boiled down to one singular emotion. Fear. Fear of people, Fear of situations and institutions. Fear of economic insecurity, the unknown, and events that hadn't yet and possibly would never transpire. All told, fear of everything.
And there's only one cure for fear. Faith' (p89, 2012, R,Roll, Finding Ultra)
Now if he can overcome alcoholism, drug addiction, obesity, relationship problems and anxiety and become one fittest men in the world and empower his self-confidence and ignite his true self with acceptance, then maybe I can conquer my little-in-comparison demon too. Basically man up, chill out, do what I want and accept that what will be will be.